|
Hi
Everyone,
I enjoyed this message from Steven Stosny, PhD. so much
that I thought I’d forward it to my newsletter mailing
list.
Feel
free to sign up for Steven’s newsletters also if you are
looking for even more information.
Enjoy
this message and I’ll be in touch!
Mary
Anderson
www.yourcorevalue.com
mary@yourcorevalue.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------From:
Steven Stosny
Subject: Why We Fight in the Car
CompassionPower July 17, 2007
Dear
Friends
This
has probably happened to you more than once: You're driving
with your husband or boyfriend. Something on the road
startles you, and he gets angry. He sees your fear as
an assault on his charioteering and turns into Ben-Hur,
driving faster and less carefully, making you even more
afraid. You argue, each feeling that the other is overreacting,
insensitive, inconsiderate, and immature. You are actually
the victims of a primal reflex present in all social animals,
where the fear of the female stimulates a classic shame-aggression
response in the male. With a better sense of smell and
hearing, females are the alarm-system of the social group.
When they become alert with fear, the males either become
aggressive or experience terrible shame. The fear-shame
dynamic occurs when she hears something in the middle
of the night and he goes down to check it out. And the
same thing occurs when she's anxious about something and
wants to talk to him about it, which is why, "Honey, we
need to talk," never works. The unconscious fear-shame
dynamic explains most relationship problems, including
why couples fight about money. His provider anxiety -
dread of failure as a provider - stimulates her fear of
deprivation, which makes her want to spend money to build
a nest. It also explains why couples fight about sex:
her anxiety about having sex stimulates his dread of failure
as a lover. Because the fear-shame dynamic was designed
to work unconsciously and non-verbally, men don't get
the fear of women and women don't get the shame of men.
We need a higher form of compassion, that for vulnerability
we do not share. That is the kind of compassion, coming
straight from your core value that we (my co-author, Pat
Love and I) have tried to help people appreciate. With
this higher level compassion, communication is easy. Without
it, communication is an illusion.
Sincerely,
Steven
Stosny
CompassionPower
www.compassionpower.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valuable Resources:
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without
Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" by Patricia
Love, Ed.D and Steven Stosny, Ph.D
"You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn
Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a
Compassionate, Loving One" by Steven Stosny, PhD.
"Manual of the Core Value Workshop" by
Steven Stosny, PhD.
CORE Value, Inc. provides personal and corporate
training about reconnecting with core value and learning emotional
regulation, empowering you in both your work and home life to live without
anger and resentment and with a strong sense of self.
For information about the services we
provide, visit our website: www.yourcorevalue.com.
All materials of CORE Value, Inc. are based on the work of Dr. Steven
Stosny of
www.compassionpower.com.
CORE Value, Inc will never resell email
addresses, and will only send newsletters to prior clients and those who
have opted to receive them. To opt
out of receiving these newsletters, simply email: optout@yourcorevalue.com
|
